Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Certifiable

Just a little update on the surprisingly quiet little old me.

Last month I finally graduated earning me my Masters in Counseling Psychology.
All I can say is:

THANK YOU JESUS, SHIVA, ZEUS, RA, and mostly the devil!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm finally free of papers, tests, boring lectures, and paying for my own abuse!!!!!!!
Now I can be abused full time for a laughable salary!

I've spent all the downtime whoring myself out for work. A Masters degree and no one wants to hire me. I'm officially too qualified for most positions but not qualified enough for my own field. It will take me another two years to get my license. Until then....I wonder if Burger King is hiring?

Street Justice


I'm officially beyond pissed at the lousy policies that protect patrons at the risk of employees.

There is a patron who has been purposefully stalking the staff for weeks. He repeatedly asks us out and then goes and complains that we are not attentive enough when we repeatedly (and politely) refuse him. He follows us around and blatantly will stare at us either scowling or with a dirty smirk. He loves to use his concealed gun license as his proof of ID. I guess that makes him feel like a big man letting all of us women folk know that not only is he an obnoxious pervert, but he's armed as well. I'm still not going out with him. I think I'd rather be disembowel than spend one minute with him.

Last week he upped the stakes by announcing to a circulation worker that God will give all of us uterine cancer because we won' t go out with him. This was said in complete vicious certainty. Lovely, that way I'll be put out of my misery and won't have to deal with his slimy ass any more.

Yesterday, he pulled out a knife and left it on the table right in front of him to further drive home the point that we're dealing with a perverted and dangerous psycho.

What does policy say? We can do absolutely nothing!!!! Our well being has been repeatedly threatened mentally, physically, and emotionally but we must smile and invite further abuse. The sheriff came and talked to him but what does that ever do? Why, it made him belligerent and even more dangerous. He spent the day harassing us verbally and approaching staff members only to veer away at the last moment. That night, he verbally assaulted a part time worker because he walked away from his computer for half an hour and someone else took it.

Our director, the awesome man that he is, let us know that we can handle him however we want from now on. Honestly, he's just as desperately looking for a reason to ban this walking freak as we are. He finds himself as ruthlessly tied by impotent policies as we are.
We've started a list of all the incidences that have occurred and petitioned the county for a security guard but all they offered was for us to call the sheriff's office when there's a problem. Oh good, let's give the psycho twenty minutes to run rampage against staff and patron alike.

What the hell is wrong with this system?!?!?!?!?!!?!!! Is my life really so meaningless?! I may be a lowly part time worker but come on!

That's it, I'm giving a call to arms for all the abused public workers. It's time for street justice vigilante style. I'm tired of taking crap from this wacked out assholes on a power trip. Me, I'm from Amazon stock with a large frame and a yellow belt in Tae-Kwon-Do. I have no problem clocking out and taking this scum on in the parking lot. I could snap that little man like a twig and I have all the training I need to disarm him first.
Join me my fellow libraries tired of being screamed at, threatened, insulted, and looked down upon! It's time to take back our libraries from the belligerent and the perverted. No more shall we take groping and sneerings just because we're paid (horribly) to!
Take up your scissors and metal nail files! Load your staplers and grab the nearest volume of Who's Who. It's time for some Library Justice!!!

Now where's my flame thrower? It's time to take out the trash!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Library Psychosis for Dummies

I can say without hesitation that I am the quarkiest, strangest, and darn-right silliest member of our staff. Who else builds towers out of all the highlighters when bored or engages in bizarre happy dances?
I often leave my poor co-workers staring at me blankly or laughing at my absurd antics.
Love me or hate me, I definetly make things interesting. On that note, I can be quite scary for the uninitiated. It takes a lot to handle an ADHD sugar addict.

So, as part of my court-ordered community service, I shall leave instructions for my brave friends on how to deal with me. Invaluable information indeed.

1. It's never wise to give me sugar....EVER. If you have to sit in the same vicinity with me for any length of time, be sure to remove all sugar products. If you think I'm strange now, you don't know what a pound of sugar and a label machine can do. However, it makes an excellent source of revenge. Feed me chocolate right before the target of your scorn has to work with me and watch the fun from a safe distance.
2. If you ever see me sitting quietly at the desk call an ambulance immediately. The odds are I'm either unconscious or dead.
3. If you ever see me sitting quietly at the desk grinning, vacate the premises. There's no telling what I did but you'll be a lot happier not knowing. It is your choice whether or not to warn the others.
4. Mindless tasks are your friend. If you have any at all, save them and pass them on to me. Not only do I strangely enjoy them, but it keeps me busy and distracts me from ploting random acts of depravity.
5. Beware of wearing anything shiny. My strange attraction to them coupled with my impulsiveness may lead to a medical emergency. Don't be surprised if you get tackled. On that same note, dangling a shiny object in my line of sight is an excellent way to distract me if I am engaged in inappropriate activity.
6. Despite the disturbing patron reaction to my highlighter towers, it is not wise to hide the markers and highlighters from me. Strange as the towers are, you at least know that I am engaged in harmless activity. Without them, there's no telling what I'll get into.
7. If you see me engaging in a bizarre series of completely dorky body movements do not be alarmed. I am not having a seizure nor are my neither reigions being invaded by ants. That is my happy dance indicating something good has happened. Now would be a good time to tell me that the newspaper section is a mess.
8. Odds are I'm going to poke you. Don't be offended, like any third grader that's my way of saying I like you. Or, it's may subtle way of making you move. Or, I just like the funny noises you make when I do it.
9. Don't dare me to do anything. You may have made it in jest or in certainty that no sane individual would do such a silly and stupid thing but I am no sane individual. I will do it with gusto and embarass you to no end.
10. Never ask what I'm doing or what my rationale is for that activity. I won't be able to give you those ten minutes back.

More coming soon. Jump in anytime my poor comrades in arms with your own unique ways of dealing with me!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Back from the Grave

I LIVE!!!!!

Sorry, I know it's been a while but I got flattened by college. For the last two months I have been studying obsessively for an evil hard exam that will determine if I get to graduate. I only get this one shot and if I fail, that's it no graduation. You only get one more chance to take it six months later and if you fail that, you have to start grad. school all over again! x_x

Understandably, I put all other projects on hold and focussed completely on relearning everything from the past two years. Naturally, I remembered nothing. Where the hell was I?
I am happy to report that not only did I pass, I got the highest grade!!!! Can you believe it?! Thus and so, it was totally worth the effort even if I had to make you wait for all the interesting library gossip.

A lot has happened since I left you guys in my descent into the ninth ring of hell. I have a lot to tell you so there should be a lot of new posts in the near future.

For now, I'll just share with you how I coped with the whole psychotic level of stress. I decided to have do-something-crazy-you-might-regret-later week. That week I decided to get my first tatoo and I also somehow convinced one of my friends to get her nipple pierced!! I have no idea how I did it or else I would cultivate my evil powers of pursuation to more creative means.

I'm still wincing when I think about it. That's how you know we're in grad. school; you have to be a masochist to put yourself through this kind of hell.

Anywho, Mae Kyl has over fifteen tatoos (take that librarian stereotypes!) and so I got her to recommend a good place to get repeatedly stabbed.

With an entourage of my fellow grad. students to coach me through, we made an appointment and I went there right after work. That's the best time because I'm already so exaughsted and frustrated that my body's practically numb.

The tatoo artist was great, he showed me everything and how everything is top of the line hygenic. That's great because that wasn't do-something-crazy-that-might-get-you-a-blood-born-disease week. Unfortuneately, he also showed me the gun he uses to give the tatoo and showed me how it really uses several needles at once. How is this supposed to make me feel better? I think I could have really been happy not knowing that I will be experiencing the pain of many needles as oppossed to one.

I decided to get it on my hip so no one would know unless I showed it to them. From my experience with henna, I learned that I hate having radom strangers come up to me and comment on my life choices.
BTW, whichever coworker who left and handout on how many diseases and skin disorders you can get from tatoos can suck it. That was so not cool because I got it five minutes before I went to get the tatoo.
Not cool!

Sadly, the readying process took place just when my friend got her nipple pierced so I missed a potentially educational experience. I was just so morbidly curious about the whole thing, but I had to sit still and have my hip cleansed and marked. Damn it.

I was really quite proud of myself during the process. I was so afraid I'd be one of those people who act like her limb is being sawn off; screaming and moaning and being a right royal weenie. You see, like most, I have this understandable fear of needles. It's not the pain per se because it really is minor and my clumsiness gave me and incredible pain tolerance. It's the fact that you know you're about to be stabbed and not only can you not dodge and run, but you're supposed to sit still and RELAX! My primal instinct is far too finely tuned for such a blatant disregard of safety measures. It would be so much better if I never saw it coming, like if the doctor jumped out from behind the door.
Ah, but I digress. Happily, it did not hurt nearly as much as I thought it would so I was able to carry on a coherant conversation and did not make any embarassing sounds of pain. I did do my fair share of grimacing but that's neither here nor there. I had such a tight death grip on the table that my arms ended up hurting more than the tatoo afterwards! I also kept getting the insane urge to laugh which is not too terribly good with a permantent marking procedure. Damn my screwed up response to uncomfortable situations!

In the end, my tatoo turned out beautifully and to date I have still not regretted it.
Now, I know you have all been on the edge of your seats during this whole soliloquy dying to know what I got. What sweet nothing did I have permanently etched into the tender flesh of my hip? If you've been reading my blog or know me at all, you should have some idea. And no, it's not 'pink elephant' which was however a close second.

All I can say is: "CAW!" A beautiful representation of my true inner nature. Whenever I manage to come across a disposible camera, I'll take a picture of it and share it with you!

A special thanks to Librarian Extraordinaire for actually reading my blogs and noticing my sudden absense! Thanks for checking up on me and being so damn supportive!! And thanks to whichever kind soul asked her about my whereabouts. It makes me feel all warm and squishy inside! >_<

More stories to come kids cause I've been saving up a lot of them!
See you next time same Bat Time, same Bat Channel!!!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Clear!

Due to the overwhelming amount of seizure induced medical emergencies, we now have an AED machine in circulation!!

Sadly, it's not the same as the paddles you see in medical shows. It's a strange system of patches that monitor the heart and will administer a shock if it detects an irregular rhythm. Only three people in our entire library are qualified to work it. One of which just told me she couldn't remember how the patches go......

While I'm happy to have such a fun new addition to our library, I'm upset that it's rigged so that you have no control over the shocking process. I spent the day making a list of all the wonderful and unethical uses to improve my day and library functioning and now I can't play with it!

Oh well, I can still dream can't I? I'll just continue saving up for the machine for sale on ebay.

Here's my list anyways of unethical uses of life saving devices; I'll figure out a way around the computer eventually.

1. Better punishment for library infractions
2. Our new and improved complaint department. Tell it to the paddles.
3. New and improved way of breaking up make out sessions.
4. Frankenstein reenactment on one of the many crickets in the law library. (I swear it must be a sacred graveyard the way they come en mass to die)
5. ECT to help cure staff depression.
6. Play God (always fun)
7. Terrify the patrons by holding it aloft while laughing maniacally. (excellent way of clearing the library at closing)
8. Excellent tool for computer intimidation. Work or else....
9. Harsher form of electrolosis. This is required for the werewolf full moon scenario mentioned earlier.
10. More effective child control. Nothing stops them from climbing the shelves better than a little electrically adversive conditioning.

Feel free to add your own!

Parking Space Nazies

The library shares space with various other county offices in the same building. We meekly cram ourselves into the limited space of the first floor while they take over the second. We are also surrounded by government buildings.

Our parking lot has the same space issues that the library itself does. It's way too small for the amount of people that use the facilities and that tiny space must be shared with the workers and patrons of the other departments. There are two separate parking lots...erm...squares of asphalt. The choice one is right at the door and this is reserved for handicapped parking and for the county employees. It is much smaller than the one ten feet away and is filled with ominous signs threatening towing for anyone adacious enough to park in these run down yet sacred spots.

I have yet to see anyone more rabid about a parking space outside of Walmart.

When I was first hired and came across the street from human resources with my special car sticker in hand, I assumed that meant I could park in the sacred spaces. I was amost instantly corrected in a very candid way.

I had just parked and was gathering my things when a very loud rapping rattled my driver's side window. Who's that rapping at my chamber door?
Needless to say that I almost became incontinent from shock (this isn't the best part of town).
There was a well dressed woman standing there virtually steaming and turning the most interesting shade of purple. Alarmed, I hastily got out of my car wondering what medical emergency was transpiring. I noticed a bright red car edged so close to my bumper that I started to wonder if I was going to get charged for a proctology exam.

"YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO PARK HERE!!! COUNTY EMPLOYEES ONLY!!!" She sputtered full of righteous indignation. I stared at her blankly for a moment, my poor brain trying to process the reason for such rage. Remember, I had barely started to work for the library so I was unused to instances of rage over minor things. Ahhh, the good old days.....

"Oh, I'm a county employee. I work for the library." I said. At this point I was wondering if perhaps an ambulance should be called because I think she was so enraged she forgot to breathe. Pretty colors.
"NO, YOU CAN'T PARK HERE. LIBRARY PEOPLE DON'T COUNT. MOVE NOW!!!!!" Ah, lovely, so nice to know that we're appreciated by the community. What percicely do you do that makes your presence so much more valuable than mine? Perhaps the Public Relations Department?

Being the decent human being that I am, I capitulated rather than be screamed at and moved my car a whooping ten feet to the other parking lot. Apparently, this was not a rare case of one evil person. Oh no, all of us have been screamed at by this irrational lot when we naively parked in their sacred places. Not only that, they feel the need to inform us of every infraction as if we are somehow responsible for our patrons.

Time and time again they march up to our desk loudly proclaiming that their sacred parking place had been defiled by one outside their ranks.

"Someone parked in my reserved spot! It was a blue truck!"
*blink blink*....um....okay....we're really not responsible for enforcing that.
Well I need to find out who did to make them move!!
(Good luck with that. Now, can I help you find a book? You do realize you're in a library right?)We don't have a PA system here to annouce such a thing. I'm afraid I can' t help you. You're welcome to question our patrons or check upstairs in the other department.
She just stood there for long moments staring at me and blinking. I returned my attention to the computer and promptly ignored her unitl she wandered away still shaking with emotion.

Through the whole conversation they look both insane with anger and near tears. They fume and yell and roll their eyes. I can't help but wonder what they expect a reference librarian to do for them? What is going through their panic sticken little minds that makes them think I can magically wave a wand and make the mystery truck owner appear before them? What makes them think I care? I'm a bitter overworked librarian, I could care less that you had to walk ten feet. True, I'm going to be a Psychologist one day, but today is not that day.
Who the hell goes to a librarian for parking lot violations?! It scares me that these same people are in government services. Watch out DMV, you've got competition for rudest, most unreasonable staff!

Walk the extra ten feet and live with it People! The exercise will do you good. Perhaps you can use the extra ten seconds to work on anger management or reassess your priorities.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Shouting Match

One of our regular patrons is a sweet old lady that putters around the library with her cane in one hand and book bag in the other. She usually gets by on her own and managed to master using our computer catalogue to find her books. Completely harmless....until she needs help....

This woman always, and I mean always, forgets to wear her hearing aide. How do I know she owns one? Because she shouts it to me every time I try to help her. I'm not talking about a loud voice either, we're talking actual shouting like the kind you only hear from sports fans in the heat of the moment.

So, she shouts out her question and I'm forced to shout out a reply because she's too impatient for me to just write it. The whole library falls into a shocked silence as this woman shouts at length about what she wants and I'm helpless to get any clarification or explain why we don't have that book. No matter how loudly I shout to try to accommodate her, she never has once understood me and just proceeds to yell at a louder decibel how she can't hear me.

She's nice so I'd feel bad about reporting her to the police for verbal assault but I'm at a loss of how to handle her. We've tried shouting subtle hints about bringing her hearing aide with her next time but it has yet to happen. Perhaps we can set some money in the budget aside for an in-library use hearing aide.

Until then, I'll bring ear plugs and brush up on my short hand.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Mr. Sanderson Strikes Back!

Ah, our most torturous patron returned from a long refreshing trip abroad with a million impossible questions lined up for us.

However, he must feel that we are not suffering enough from his daily barage of sadistic inquiries. Perhaps we deal with his cruel ways a little too efficiently and his sadistic needs are not being met? We have a folder chalk full of every question he's ever asked ready and waiting right at the desk. We have websites bookmarked that detail his areas of interests (like a complete national listing of every embassy and consolate of every country; which we use every few hours or so), Our Latin and Greek dictionaries are on standby along with Babblefish on favorites.

So now he has come up with a whole new way to drive us to self injury. It also happens to be one of those, 'careful what you wish for' kind of things.
Mr. Sanderson finally consented to learning to use the computer. At first I was overjoyed because now he could finally look up his own outrageous questions and come to a better appreciation for what we do.

Oh no. Of course that's not what happened. Why do I even bother with that big let-down we call hope?

I have yet in all my library experience aiding the elderly and toddler alike to see such an incompetent computer person! Even the technophobes got nothing on this man. He now comes in daily and every five seconds will gesture us over for a computer question.

The email address disappeared, where's the email address?! Do I have to type it in again?!
Scroll up.

I want to send this email, how do I send it?
Click on the send button.

Why am I at the attatchment screen?! I don't want to be here, where's my email message?!
*sigh* Click on the back button.

How do I get to the webpages? (on yahoo)
Click on the blue underline words.
It's not working! (clicking on the black text)
No, on the blue! The blue! No, the big BLUE letters!!!

The page isn't loading! Why isn't it loading?!
Don't move the mouse when you click on the link. No, you've got to hold it still. It's still moving, you can't move it even a little. Please put the mouse down before I strangle you with it!

Yesterday I sent an email to someone and I want a copy of it. What do you mean you can't recover it for me?! I sent if from that computer right there! I don't care that that's the way the server works!! Where are you going? What's that metal nail file for?


These are in no way an exageration. These are just the questions he asked today. And yes, he asked them yesterday and the day before that! I'm still battling with the whole cursor thing with him and the mysteries of the backspace. Let's not even get into the strange and confusing scroll button. Surely the webpage begins and ends with that square before me!

On top of that new nightmare, he still calls us with impossible questions several times daily.

I think I must have been a really bad person in a former life to get this kind of karma. Perhaps a murder or drug peddler to six year olds.

You know what would be really great right now? Hand granades.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Headbanging

Sadly, the librarians do not stand as one as a front against an unending slew of ignorance and intolerance. Even within our stronghold of knowledge there are weaknesses that threaten to crumble our resolve. Ours comes in the form of a worker in another branch who remains the most clueless, helpless, and hopeless staff member. She hands down wins the coveted helmet award. I'm surprised she's allowed to drive.

I will affectionately refer to her as the Headbanger because that is exactly what you want to do after speaking with her; just wham your head into your desk until the sweet release of unconsciousness.

I've never had the opportunity to meet her in person but her phone calls are a daily source of horror. Those who have just shake their heads and express profound sympathy for the staff that has to deal with her on a daily basis. If it's at all possible, she's actually worse in person than she is on the phone.

Let me walk you down a few senarios that are the hallmark of an interaction with this strange creature. This was my first ever converstation with her a few weeks after she was hired.

Me: Hi, this is Library Psychosis from the Main Branch, we need a book sent up here for a patron.
HB: Ooooookaaaaaaaaaaayyyy..... *silence*
Me: (that's an ominous beginning; no greeting, no prompting, just erie silence) I need volumes 4,5, and 7 of Alice 19th; it's a series.
HB: Okay, what's the title?
Me: *blink blink* Alice 19th. They all have the same title.
HB: So the author is Alice what?
Me: No, the title is Alice 19th. The author is Yu Watase. (I'm getting scared. Are you sure you work here?)
HB: So you need all seven volumes?
Me: No, I only need volumes 4,5, and 7.
HB: Okay. So I'm sending you Yoo Wase. Who's the author again?
Me: (I give up, could you just put your mother on the phone?) The author is Y-u W-a-t-a-s-e. The title is Alice 19th. Every one is titled Alice 19th, they are just different volume numbers.
HB: I see, so you need volumes 1-7 of the series.
Me: No, I need volumes 4,5, and 7.
HB: Okay, I'll send them to you. *starts to hang up*
Me: Wait, I need to tell you the patron's name!
HB: Oh yea.

I wrapped up that conversation by making her repeat everything verbatum like a five year old. Sadly, she really never quite managed to get it right. Is it bad when the patron starts laughing half-way through the conversation?

I was honestly starting to wonder if they were messing with me. Unfortunetly, my fellow co-workers sadly informed me that this was a repeat performance.

Headbanger is also notorious for simply saying 'hello' when we call them making us wonder if the patrons are answering the phone and our cousins are locked up in the basement.

She also forgets her own name and where she works whenever she calls us.
This is the only explanation I can come up with for why she calls us and just starts prattling on about what she needs without identifying herself or that the book is for a patron.
I often times get through almost the whole conversation before she finally mentions the patron name and I realize that this is a staff member speaking. I use the word staff very loosely for her. I don't think she actually does anything and is discouraged from trying. What she does do turns out so horribly wrong that we're tempted to do drug testing on her.

She also loves to shake up our book finding experience by leaving out key facts about the book location. For instance, not telling us that the book is on the new shelf or in Large Print. One time she gave me a title to a book and I spent twenty minutes looking for it. She had so badly mangled the title that only one word from it that she gave me actually matched the real title.

These are but a small few examples of her expertise in chaos and confustion. I'll list more once the trauma eases.

The patrons are infiltrating us! Stupidity abounds!!


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