Wednesday, October 26, 2005

I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor

I’m an avid fan of the cartoon “Family Guy” not just because it’s raunchy and goofy humor but also because it says all the things I wish I could.
One very memorable quote I take away from the show is the mother saying that she deals with her emotions by quietly suppressing them. The show then cuts to an image of her brain with a tumor sitting top singing.

That is a very apt description of what’s happening to me at work. Being paid to be polite means suppressing all of the things I desperately want to say and just smile at them and try to work around their grouchy ignorance.This blog has been life saving for me because now I have a place to express everything I have to hold back all day long and laugh at it to boot!

I shall now proudly list of what I say and what I mean to further shrink my tumor chances.

What I say: I’m sorry Sir, our policy forbids you to view those images on our computer. Please close the screen immediately.
What I want to say: Stop looking at pictures of naked people in the middle of a public library you pervert! There’s a seven-year-old sitting right next to you for God’s sake!! Now I’m going to have to Lysol the entire area. Go buy a porno magazine like the rest of us!!

Patron: Do you work here? (I’m sitting at a large desk under a large sign saying ‘Information’ wearing my nametag)
What I say: Yes, how may I help you?
What I want to say: No, I’m just sitting here until the men in while lab coats drag me away. The real workers are tied up in the basement. Care to join them?

What I say: Ma’am, children seven and younger must be attended by an adult at all times.
What I want to say: Ma’am, the staff is tired of pulling your children off the shelves, rescuing the costly reference material, and begging them to stop screaming at each other. Either you go make some parental attempt at control or I’m making a Ritalin and Thorazine cocktail and taking matters into my own hands!

Patron: Where do I sign up for the Internet?
What I say: Right here at the desk.
What I want to say: I don’t know. Someone really should put up a sign right here at the desk to let you know. A great big neon pink sign right on top of the desk with 172 font. Someone really should get on top of that and put them up all over the library while they’re at it……oh wait, they did!!!

Patron: This li-berry sucks, yur’ all useless!! I’m going to complain, what’s your name?
What I say: (grudgingly) Library Psychosis
What I want to say: God. Feel free to take this up with the mere mortal library administrator but you’ll be hearing from me later. Mwahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Or….

Grizelda, the Gypsy Queen. While you have been standing there yelling, my stealthy minions have robbed you blind.

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