Thursday, February 09, 2006

Clear!

Due to the overwhelming amount of seizure induced medical emergencies, we now have an AED machine in circulation!!

Sadly, it's not the same as the paddles you see in medical shows. It's a strange system of patches that monitor the heart and will administer a shock if it detects an irregular rhythm. Only three people in our entire library are qualified to work it. One of which just told me she couldn't remember how the patches go......

While I'm happy to have such a fun new addition to our library, I'm upset that it's rigged so that you have no control over the shocking process. I spent the day making a list of all the wonderful and unethical uses to improve my day and library functioning and now I can't play with it!

Oh well, I can still dream can't I? I'll just continue saving up for the machine for sale on ebay.

Here's my list anyways of unethical uses of life saving devices; I'll figure out a way around the computer eventually.

1. Better punishment for library infractions
2. Our new and improved complaint department. Tell it to the paddles.
3. New and improved way of breaking up make out sessions.
4. Frankenstein reenactment on one of the many crickets in the law library. (I swear it must be a sacred graveyard the way they come en mass to die)
5. ECT to help cure staff depression.
6. Play God (always fun)
7. Terrify the patrons by holding it aloft while laughing maniacally. (excellent way of clearing the library at closing)
8. Excellent tool for computer intimidation. Work or else....
9. Harsher form of electrolosis. This is required for the werewolf full moon scenario mentioned earlier.
10. More effective child control. Nothing stops them from climbing the shelves better than a little electrically adversive conditioning.

Feel free to add your own!

5 Comments:

Anonymous adrienne said...

Wouldn't it be cheaper just to replace the flourecent lights? An ounce of prevention...pound of cure...etc?

6:20 PM  
Blogger Happy Villain said...

Okay, I watched that episode of "ER" when Carter accidentally got shocked by ... what's-her-name, and it knocked him out cold. Frankly, that's a dream come true for a library like mine. I'd zap...

*elevator abusers
*crank 911-callers
*children jumping off furniture
*parents allowing it
*patrons who stare at my breasts
*patrons who touch themselves inappropriately when they speak to me
*anyone who throws a tantrum
*anyone who gives me lip
*anyone who isn't sitting quietly at a table, minding their own business, not disturbing anyone else.

I'd burn that baby out in a week. Maybe that's why they're still talking about the defibrillator for us. Hehe.

7:21 PM  
Blogger Library Psychosis said...

Ahh, now you're thinking like an intelligent person, not like an administrator! ;p

Wouldn't work anyways because we've already tried that! Next I'm bringing a feathered mask and a live chicken. It's possessed I tell you!!!!

1:10 PM  
Blogger Happy Villain said...

I just saw a commercial and thought of you. It's for Ameriquest and there are two doctors standing next to the bed of a sleeping patient. A fly in the room is irritating them so one grabs the paddles and zaps the fly in midair, killing it. The patient's family walks into the room as the doctor stands there holding the paddles and says something like, "He's dead now."

Defibrillators can be used to battle flies, ladybugs and box elder bugs! YEAH!

1:50 AM  
Blogger WWDeweyDo? said...

we got one of those recently...

Is this a library pattern???

waking sleeping homeless
electroshock for the insane
waking coworkers in staff lounge
waking self at begining of shift

Thanks, now I have Aerosmith's Toys in the Attic in my head... ;-)

7:36 PM  

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