Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Library Psychosis for Dummies

I can say without hesitation that I am the quarkiest, strangest, and darn-right silliest member of our staff. Who else builds towers out of all the highlighters when bored or engages in bizarre happy dances?
I often leave my poor co-workers staring at me blankly or laughing at my absurd antics.
Love me or hate me, I definetly make things interesting. On that note, I can be quite scary for the uninitiated. It takes a lot to handle an ADHD sugar addict.

So, as part of my court-ordered community service, I shall leave instructions for my brave friends on how to deal with me. Invaluable information indeed.

1. It's never wise to give me sugar....EVER. If you have to sit in the same vicinity with me for any length of time, be sure to remove all sugar products. If you think I'm strange now, you don't know what a pound of sugar and a label machine can do. However, it makes an excellent source of revenge. Feed me chocolate right before the target of your scorn has to work with me and watch the fun from a safe distance.
2. If you ever see me sitting quietly at the desk call an ambulance immediately. The odds are I'm either unconscious or dead.
3. If you ever see me sitting quietly at the desk grinning, vacate the premises. There's no telling what I did but you'll be a lot happier not knowing. It is your choice whether or not to warn the others.
4. Mindless tasks are your friend. If you have any at all, save them and pass them on to me. Not only do I strangely enjoy them, but it keeps me busy and distracts me from ploting random acts of depravity.
5. Beware of wearing anything shiny. My strange attraction to them coupled with my impulsiveness may lead to a medical emergency. Don't be surprised if you get tackled. On that same note, dangling a shiny object in my line of sight is an excellent way to distract me if I am engaged in inappropriate activity.
6. Despite the disturbing patron reaction to my highlighter towers, it is not wise to hide the markers and highlighters from me. Strange as the towers are, you at least know that I am engaged in harmless activity. Without them, there's no telling what I'll get into.
7. If you see me engaging in a bizarre series of completely dorky body movements do not be alarmed. I am not having a seizure nor are my neither reigions being invaded by ants. That is my happy dance indicating something good has happened. Now would be a good time to tell me that the newspaper section is a mess.
8. Odds are I'm going to poke you. Don't be offended, like any third grader that's my way of saying I like you. Or, it's may subtle way of making you move. Or, I just like the funny noises you make when I do it.
9. Don't dare me to do anything. You may have made it in jest or in certainty that no sane individual would do such a silly and stupid thing but I am no sane individual. I will do it with gusto and embarass you to no end.
10. Never ask what I'm doing or what my rationale is for that activity. I won't be able to give you those ten minutes back.

More coming soon. Jump in anytime my poor comrades in arms with your own unique ways of dealing with me!


Blogger Happy Villain said...

Um, so, when are you moving to Illinois. We could use more librarian-types like you. I'm still dealing with the freaky youth librarian who is more afraid of security than the patrons, and insists that a trained police officer should leave his weapon in the trunk of his squad car in order to enter our building. She needs to retire. NOW. So, when you heading north? We have shiny things here too, you know!

7:49 PM  

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